EntertainmentAwful Astrology: May Monthly Predictions

From the world-class astrologers at University of New York in Tirana.
Sindi Pepa2 months ago4221 min

After carefully analyzing the feedback from our last edition, we noticed a lot of people were expecting monthly horoscope predictions. We heard you loud and clear, so here you have our very much anticipated May predictions.

 

Aries / March 21 – April 19

Oh, dear Aries! No matter how fast months go, you will never be able to escape the sad fact that your big mouth will be getting you in trouble over and over again, and you cannot even blame it on Mercury retrograde this time. This month, as no surprise, you will give yourself once again a pass to spew unfiltered thoughts out of your mouth, make child-like decisions on your life, and regret them in silence while continuing to defend them blindly. While you are at it, feel more than welcome to tag along with a Pisces, so you will not be left alone in this mess of a month. Your love life seems rather dark also. If you are in a relationship, it is advised to keep your sour opinions and criticism to yourself and stop quadruple-thinking everything. If you are single, well…sit this month out!

 

Pisces / February 19 – March 20

To this day there has not been found a reasonable explanation as to why Pisces are the way they are. They are the most obsessed with the zodiac out of all the signs, but they don’t realize how little they truly know. By far the most controversial individuals you will ever meet. They can remember details from decades ago like it is nobody’s business, but if you ask them to introduce themselves, they might just forget their own name. This month Pisces, going hand in hand with your personality, you might reach the stars, or you might want to chain yourself at home like a werewolf during a full moon. Don’t worry, if we do not see some of you around, we will understand. Love is not on your side this month. If you are in a relationship you might experience some heated debates. So, before you face your partner, have a mock conversation with your mirror. For the singles out there, love district is very slow and I wouldn’t really get my hopes up for any romance.

 

Libra / September 23 – October 22

Libras, you need to relax! You are doing amazing, so stopping asking for approval each time you want to breathe. You hold yourself up really high and are always poised, but there is an urgent need to let yourself be silly once in a while. Life does not need to be as perfect as your social media feed. Show that special side of you that is well-versed in some of the best songs outside of the mainstream spectrum, or your nerdy side, as people will love it even more. Do not be afraid to be you! Love will be blooming for some lucky Libras, as you will soon come into contact with people who scream once-in-a-lifetime-romcom kind of love, so keep your eyes open.

 

Aquarius / January 20 – February 18

No one, and I mean NO ONE, parties like an Aquarius! Maybe this is also why people have a bit of a hard time taking you seriously. You should actually take some focus lessons from Capricorns, because your attention span, while amusing, is becoming concerning. If you want to raise your credibility, you need to learn to achieve balance. I know it may be hard for you to hear, but in order to play hard, you also need to start working hard. While love looks good for our single individuals, couples need to be very careful and attentive, as you could make wrong moves, which will potentially ruin something good, without realizing it.

 

Capricorn / December 22 – January 19

Do you need someone to shake you in order to liven up, or are you completely made out of stone? We get it! Work is important, priorities are the way to go about life, and you cannot stray from your 50-year life plan for a second, but it is just getting too much. If you do not stop it with your high-and-mighty behavior and criticism over anything blocking your masterplans, you risk being put in your place in a not so loving manner or having your plans destroyed right in front of your eyes. Much to everyone’s surprise, this is a good month for love Capricorn! Show compassion and interest to your partner and remember to not be stuck in your own head for too long.

 

Scorpio / October 23 – November 21

When you are done being broody, mysterious, and psychoanalyzing everyone you set your eyes on, take a moment to breathe and step out of the fortress you built for yourself. You are loving and so cheerful once you give up being so overprotective. It is true, you are often misunderstood. So, stop giving people reasons to believe what is said about you. This month holds many opportunities to let your light shine and be the productive, life-of-the-party Scorpio you try so hard to hide stinger. There is hope ahead for your love life Scorpio. You might not believe it, but it seems like the day to find the one might be closer than you think.

 

Taurus / April 20 – May 20

Hey there, rollercoaster! If your emotions were a song, they would be Hot N’ Cold by Katy Perry.  For the beautiful month of May, we would advise you to take a mindful breath before you speak and keep in mind that not everyone is out to get you, just as not everyone is born to be your worshipper. You really need to work on finding middle ground, as your emotions might be going haywire this month. Relax little Taurus, snuggle up in your bed, and enjoy a movie! All the singles out there, keep in mind that good things come to those who wait, and that wait might not be too long for you. As for the couples, try to communicate more; no one will understand your passive-aggressive face unless you put the subtitles in.

 

Cancer / June 21 – July 22

Nosy, nosy Cancer! You do not have the time nor energy to deal with your life, because you seem to always be too busy finding out what is going on with everyone else. You are always looking for the latest gossips, as you are never bored being the distributor. However, you are equally overthrown by the alter-ego that demands you to hide inside the blanket and be isolated from all social interactions. Your dual personality switch might be flipped so many times it will risk breaking, so be careful which side you land on. Another funny side of yours that will pop up a lot this month is your tendency to nitpick things and people. LEAVE THEM ALONE! As far as love is concerned, it is advised to be careful! You almost never make the brightest of choices, and as your potential of finding true love might be skyrocketing this month, do not miss the chance of finding it because you were busy dealing with people who are not worth it.

 

Virgo / August 23 – September 22

We would gladly create an OCD support group if we did not know you would find something wrong that needs fixing there too. It would surely end up in a passive-aggressiveness that would put the Cold War to shame. What odd, peculiar people you are! This month will only bring out your obsessed-with-perfection personality and its side-effect of stress cleaning. But worry not little Virgo, by now it should not even phase you. Love is the word of the month for you! You will finally be overwhelmed with happiness that will follow you for quite some time if all goes well. Keep on doing what you are doing, and you might find yourself dealing with something quite serious. This goes out to you singles too. This is the perfect time for you to get out there, mingle, and bond with people over your favorite hand sanitizers.

 

Gemini / May 21 – June 20

It is getting really hard to understand if you are actually oblivious to what goes on around you, or if you are choosing to ignore things. Beloved, pick a character and see it through until the last act because even you cannot keep up with all your personalities. You can be the joy of the room, just as fast as you can be the one who sets it on fire. However, this month, every other month likely, we will come to the conclusion that our community cannot do without you and your craziness. But boy do you need to give us a break! Love life for Geminis? May will actually be very promising. Couples will be more in love than ever, and for those who are single love might be just around the corner!

 

Leo / July 23 – August 22

Prideful, stubborn, self-proclaimed know-it-all Leo…what are you doing? Obviously, we know everyone is talking about self-love and putting yourself first, but you already had that going on for you at 100%. Where do you want to take it? The universe cannot handle this obsession anymore. You do not have to be perfect all the time and if you could relieve yourself of that pressure, it would be such fun to see all the beautiful colors of the world along with the people who inhabit it. Jokes aside, this month the doctor prescribed that you ease up and take yourself less seriously. To go hand in hand with the rest of May, your love life recommends a heavy dosage of patience and careful thought before speaking. Those of you who are sure they have already found true love, take a second look before you settle in.

 

Sagittarius / November 22 – December 21

Your loud, bouncing-off-the-walls personality will be even more heightened this month. You will experience restlessness and feel as if there is always something more you want to accomplish in life. However, you need to constantly remind yourself not to go overboard, because once you cross that line, you always have a difficult time reeling yourself back in. So, set up an alarm named ‘Take a chill pill’ on your phone. Oh, do not forget to enable the option that repeats it every day. Whether you are in a couple or single, your mind keeps running to one special person Sagittarius. The best advice we have for you this month is to always follow your gut.

 

All illustrations are property of Elle Magazine.

Sindi Pepa

Sindi is a freshman at University of New York at Tirana. At Insider, she is a journalist for the 1st Managing Board.